When Your Shadow is Taller Than Your Soul: A Wizzan's Journey
“Darken your room, shut the door, empty your mind. Yet you are still in great company - the Numen and your Genius with all their media, and your host of elementals and ghosts of your dead loves — are there! They need no light by which to see, no words to speak, no motive to enact except through your own purely formed desire.”
― Austin Osman Spare
Call of the Sea Spirits
This week, I embarked on a 3,000-mile pilgrimage to the Pacific Northwest. The quest was born from a potent cocktail of dissatisfaction, restlessness, and the oppressive desert heat. Irritation with my job and routines fueled a deep craving for greener pastures.
Synchronicities abounded. One morning, a powerful totem—the Stag—stood directly in front of my van, literally, an unlikely sight in the desert south of Sedona. I understood its esoteric message, and the universe soon offered reinforcement. Days later, images of stags appeared on Facebook celebrating the Buck Moon, a time astrologically tied to my birth month. Then, after a three-week wait, my published Wizzan Oracle finally arrived—a printing anticipated since its inception in 2021. The signs were undeniable. I took the leap and hit the road.
I was answering a call from the oceanic realms: the song of the dolphin. My heart leaped in anticipation of the sea, the next chapter in my journey of Wizzanhood. The Wizard of the Oracle stood at the portal, waiting for me to will myself through to the other side, where the world of blues and greens exists. There, refreshed and inspired, I would channel this new energy into the Wizzan book, Oracle, Song, and fresh weekly articles.
I waved goodbye to the fiery realm of Sedona, Arizona. I had come to this place to be purified by the dragon of the red rocks, to witness the awakening of the kundalini, to be cleansed by its sacred fire, and now, to move to the ocean and consult the spirits of the sea.
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The Shadow Follows
As I lifted from the desert floor onto the open highway, I was overwhelmed by the feeling described in the song "Stairway to Heaven"—that of a “shadow being taller than my soul.” It is a song I have been destined to embody, a story I detail further in my biography, unSpiritual: A Spiritual Journey. A mix of terror and excitement churned inside me as the towering shadow emerged from my back, hovering above my head. And just as the song foretold, “all my thoughts were misgiven.”
"Misgiven thoughts" refers to having doubts or uncertainties about something. It implies a feeling of unease or suspicion, particularly about a future event or a course of action.
I’ve been through this before. My experience on this initiatory path has taught me to endure. My soul guardian, ‘the woman in black,’ revealed the key: “tension is the doorway.” This secret gave me the faith to see the process through, knowing that immense tension always precedes a release.
Trust is the most important quality one can develop on the inner path. Without it, psycho-spiritual energy cannot move through the nervous system to its resolution. It is much like trusting the process of a dream to resolve itself within your psyche. Holding this knowledge, I embraced the tension of the towering shadow. I just kept driving, singing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ intermittently for a thousand miles.
Not Everything Is As It Seems
After traveling through several Washington cities, I finally reached the shores of Port Townsend. The town wasn't quite what I had envisioned, filled with tourists, busier, and more confined than I had hoped. But I met it with optimism and anticipation. Magic was afoot and my eyes were wide open.
I have learned to hold space for both the dream and the disappointment, knowing that attachment to one outcome blocks the lesson of the other. This is the essence of living in the flow, where all synchronicities, positive and negative, are simply signposts on the path. Thus, even anxiety and apprehension become dark guides along the way.
This way of life cultivates a kind of panoramic vision—a 360-degree perception of experience. It requires being receptive to the message as it is, rather than how you want it to be. You learn to observe two things at once: the event itself, and your own internal relationship to it—that layer of desire, hope, or fear that always seeks to shape its meaning.
The Soul Star
A walk through this small seaside town brought a strange mix of curiosity and unease that quickly devolved into dread. What the hell did I do? The town was too small, too busy, and there was nowhere for a van lifer to park and sleep. At this juncture I figured the best recourse was to head for the beach, play my guitar, and consult the Oracle.
After finding a comfortable spot amidst the pebbles and sand of Puget Sound, I set the Wizzan Oracle on a piece of driftwood. My inner guidance had been clear: Open the Oracle when you reach the shores of Port Townsend. This was the pinnacle of the trip. This was the marker I’d driven 23 hours to reach, telling friends I was simply “following my Soul Star.”
I spread the deck, raised my hand over the cards, felt into the “sense of it” and placed my finger on a card. I turned it over. And there it was—the Soul Star. The most significant card in the deck. A reminder that everything a seeker does is wrapped in the orbit of their soul; even when they stray, the path merges ahead.
“It was the straying that found the path direct.” — Austin Osman Spare
The universe is a mirror, and learning its symbolic language is key to navigating the realms of the Mysterium. Staring at the card, I knew the journey's purpose wasn't relocation, but to go within. The card’s message was unambiguous:
“Rekindle your inner light and clarify your purpose through practices like meditation, creative expression, and spending time in nature. As you seek new inspiration, learn to trust your intuition and surrender control, allowing your inner wisdom to guide you on a more fulfilling path.” (Soul Star excerpt from the Wizzan Oracle)
Port Townsend wasn’t the pearly gates I was hoping for, but it was the sacred ground where I received my answer—the first step on a more fulfilling path. Now, I was about to understand the reason for it all. I turned the van around and headed south.
The Shadow Descends
I have a dear friend named Maya—ex-girlfriend, soul-traveler, and plant wizardess. On a soul level, she is paired with me on this life journey, mirroring my spiritual path in undeniable ways. It's as if we're two voices of the same soul teaching itself, yet we remain distinct individuals on our own paths. Her words matter to my inner depths, and mine to hers. Our souls hear each other.
But when I told Maya I was heading back to Sedona, her response—for the first time in the 13 years I’ve known her—was a scolding.
“For weeks I listened to you complain about how miserable you are. Then you finally get the balls to break out of your situation. But it's so uncomfortable because it's so unknown that you would rather return to the familiar misery than take a chance that you could adapt to a different place. Set yourself free or remove that dragon necklace—you don't deserve it.”
Boom. The Shadow descended.
I had recently acquired a dolphin necklace for the journey. But the dragon necklace I have worn for years and it is a potent talisman. Thus, my instant reaction was to blast her for judging without asking what the Oracle said or what the story was—uncharacteristic for her.
My text driven tirade lasted for about 100 miles. She had whacked me on the head like a Zen master and I was throwing rocks from the other side of the pond. But the “Way of the Wizzan” demands that after the fire is spent, to reverse positions. I had to don the robe of failure and truly consider her words.
It was her next point, however, that hit my heart like a harpoon:
“I believe you have a deep wound from childhood that is so buried that you don't know about it. And when you get far from home, it kicks in a life-or-death feeling that forces you to go back.”
She was right. I left a traumatic home life for the streets at seventeen, suffering from psychosis, complex PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I never felt I had a home because home was the source of trauma. To leave and wander aimlessly in search of one was emotionally catastrophic, hard-wiring panic into my nervous system as a default state. It's taken a lifetime to learn how to manage it while dancing on the razors edge of synchronicity and kundalini.
That catastrophic departure from my childhood home was the true start of the spiritual journey I formally embarked upon at nineteen. This journey, however, had triggered this latent wound and my shadow was faithfully guiding me through its depths.
Entering the Shadow
When I reached the rest area in Utah, I laid back and let the awful feeling of failure wash over me. Her words echoed spawning questions in my soul. Was I truly a coward? Had I fled the very test meant to lead me through my pain? Was I a phony, unworthy of the dragon necklace I’ve worn for years? Did I run from the Wizards portal?
I felt the sharp sting of rejection, a sorrow that settled deep in my spirit as I owned the full scope of it: I am wounded, broken, and flawed. I do not deserve to wear the Dragon necklace. The critical voices from my past began their hunt, circling and attacking like wolves closing in on their prey.
Yet this pain, this absolute brokenness—was the doorway. This was the Wizards portal. This was the one true path the ‘shadow taller than my soul’ had invoked. The shadow descended completely, putting me to sleep in a baptism of tears.
Reset, Rebirth, Renewed
The next morning, I woke up depressed—a state that has always been a distressingly comfortable place of brutal honesty. As I drove back to Sedona, I processed the towering Shadow and its cohort, Maya. I looked at the whole experience objectively scanning every angle of my thoughts, actions, and perceptions. Now that I had surrendered to the pain-body of the wounded coward, I could ask the real questions: Did I truly fail? Was Maya right?
And that’s when the lights turned on.
I wasn’t being a coward. My trials have simply been different from Maya's, but no less harrowing. Leaving Port Townsend was exactly what I was meant to do. Though I was willing to stay and push through the tension, my Soul Star was crystal clear: my path was to return to the Red Rocks of Sedona, and when the time is right, a path to the ocean will be revealed.
The legacy of my broken past is what makes me unique. It’s what gives me the signature insight into the spiritual path. It's how I have accessed hidden forces and cut through the veil of human normalcy bias.
I am a Dragon. The voice of my ancestors.
And yet I am fragile . . .
But contained within me is the psycho-spiritual power of life (Kundalini), the serpent mind, the heart of the Dolphin, and the wisdom of Gnosis that grows like a vine throughout each spiral of experience. And I make ripples in the realm of earth with each thought, word, and deed. Spreading ancient seeds on latent genes.
The true emphasis from the Oracle was the dolphin within the oceanic depths of my soul: the water element that cools the soul when the fire becomes too intense. Summoning that power is a skill all its own—a skill that rests at the very fingertips of the Wizzan.
Oh the Whimsy of the Wizard
I love Maya. She can dance on both sides of a coin like a true trickster, embodying the Shadow and the Wizard at the same time. And if it's a booby trap, all the better. Her love for my soul path evokes her Zen stick, swung with compassion and, this time, with force. And yet, in good Wizzan fashion, I was about to learn that the opposite of what I'd assumed was true.
The trip's real purpose, guided by the Soul Star, was to trigger a memory reminding me of who I am at the deepest level and what I have suffered. It was a journey meant to close doors left open long ago and to renew vitality and humility. The pilgrimage to the Northwest was exactly the medicine required.
When I arrived back in Sedona, Maya and I continued our text conversation about the adventure. As I was giving her my next update on my psycho-emotional sojourn, which included reflections on our dispute, she suddenly replied, “I never told you that you didn't deserve the dragon necklace.”
I stared at her text, confused.
She continued:
“I meant to say you didn't deserve the dolphin necklace.”
What? You mean to tell me I descended into the bowels of hell and you never meant to write the the word “DRAGON”?!
Apparently, in her passionate moment of my soul retrieval, she was thinking "dolphin" when she typed "dragon." The whole thing was cosmic jujitsu. Neither of us knew the Wizard had set us up. Our souls had conspired to reveal deeper insights on our spiritual path. And Maya, well equipped for cosmic “gotcha” moments, played her part with grace. She knows all to well how this game works.
Leaning back in my chair, I covered my face as the Wizard's gaze beamed through the Oracle. in my mind I closed my eyes, felt into my soul, and a voice arose from within:
“Zzenn, I love you. You have a sincere heart. You bring light to a dark world. You have fought powerfully. You have traversed a painful journey. And every day, you strive to make things better. You took this trip for the right reasons, and you learned exactly what you were meant to learn.”
Home Coming
Back in Sedona, I’ve settled into a refreshed space. I feel humbled by the experience, and cleansed by the towering Shadow above my soul. I feel an integration has taken place, and as I write these words, my thoughts are not misgiven.
And as for Port Townsend? Maybe I’ll return and play the Song of the Wizzan in the promenade. But this time, I’ll be staying in their finest hotel.
Yes,there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on. —Stairway to Heaven
―Zzenn
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