Has the Universe Abandoned You and Your Inner Child?
The Hero's Journey
I spent decades rescuing and healing my inner child. It was, and remains, especially in the Wizzan Path, the cornerstone of soul growth. I fought for my autonomy, battling the rejection, ridicule, humiliation, and demeaning from my family and peers that had possessed me since childhood. I confronted the shadow formed within those early years that haunted my dreams through recurring night terrors.
I reached back through the corridors of my own history to rescue my younger self. He was trapped, frozen in the kind of deep trauma most people are forced to forget. I made it my first priority to save him, driven by the early understanding that 'if it was to be, it was up to me.
Spiritual Peak. Unexpected Turn
But let me share an experience I never expected. During the 5-week Kundalini release in 2014 (as detailed in unSpiritual: A Spiritual Journey), the psycho-spiritual magic in my life had come to a peak. The journey had been fully confirmed, and any doubts about the universe’s involvement in my quest were put to rest. My expectations ran high after the event.
The synchronicities leading up to and during the metamorphosis confirmed the journey of soul-growth rooted in childhood. My inner child had been released from its prison and ascended into the astral realm through the top of my head. I was born as Zzenn. The job had been completed, and I believed my future was to share what I had learned, giving the golden keys and insights to those with sincere hearts who desired soul freedom.
Into the Desert: Soul Crisis
Several years later, I experienced homelessness. The home I was renting was sold, and the town I lived in had developed a housing crisis during the 12 years I had lived there. I moved into my van and made the desert my home.
During this time, I was enveloped by a dark shadow of failure and existential abandonment. I could not believe the universe would bring me this far, allow such incredible magical and occult experiences, and reveal secrets of the inner realm so rare I was humbled by the Gnosis, only to leave me abandoned by the side of the road. I felt a deep sadness, anger, and an existential nihilism that words can hardly define.
What truly floored me was looking back at the heroic journey of rescuing my inner child from his childhood prison and not knowing what to say. It was like our own journey to the Wizard of Oz. I had saved my inner child, telling him we were on a magical adventure. Along the way, we traveled through dark forests, met fantastical creatures, learned about the forces of dark and light, and overcame every obstacle together.
I never expected that when we finally reached Oz, that God—the universe—would turn out to be indifferent to our existence, or worse, a non-existent fake. The grand, loving presence I had held in my mind was shattered. I felt abandoned, pondering my child-memory alone in the desert as every dream I hoped for, including the belief in a caring universe, dissipated like mist. I was so disappointed. I cried. I had lost all my friends during this time, as the sudden lifestyle change removed me from the social life I had known. Solitude was shedding the skin of past relationships, and I was descending deeper into the abyss.
The Oracle and the Hard Truth
During this time, the Wizzan Oracle came to me, and through several years of meditation and growth, it became my guide. Now, don't get me wrong. I know we are all connected in this Web of Wyrd. I’ve had enough synchronicity to drive a person mad (actually, that would be me), and I shared my insights with others through online platforms, such as my YouTube channel, during this period.
But the crisis remained, forcing me into a cavern of cosmic rejection, pessimism, misanthropy, and hopelessness. Who was I to trust? How was it possible to become so confused after all the initiations I had gone through? What chaos would bring me to my knees at this stage of the quest?
The cold, hard truth finally revealed itself at a deeper level of the spiral:
Oz was me.
The illusion was the relationship I had imagined between myself and the Universe—an idea suspended in my awareness, draining my psycho-emotional energy. By clinging to the belief in a cosmic parent, I had abandoned myself. I wanted so earnestly to be taken care of, to be rescued just as I had rescued my inner child. But this time, I was the one who needed rescuing.
The initiate "Zzenn" was facing a deeper initiation.
Meeting the Wizard
During this time, I consulted the Wizzan Oracle, which has utterly blown me away with how it magically speaks to me. To my surprise (yet not surprised), the Wizard card was pulled. This was profoundly significant because my spiritual journey started with the Wizard archetype—the old man atop the hill first revealed to me in the inside sleeve of the Led Zeppelin IV album. Standing on a hill with a lantern and peering down upon the town was the Hermit, the archetype of the Higher Self. Later, the movie The Song Remains the Same would show Jimmy Page ascending the mountain to reach the wizard, undergoing a metamorphosis from child to adult.
What was the Wizard's message? I was being called to step into the Wizard's role. I had to grow up, become the adult, and harness the forces of magic within me instead of relying on the universe to do it for me. No more waiting around for the universe to save me. No more complaining about the universe not being there.
I was being challenged to be the universe in human form. I am the universe. My words are the words of the universe. And it’s time to own that. Not in an egoic form, but as a Dragon, a Seer, one who has grown the wisdom to craft my existence aligned with my true orbit.
I'm not speaking of a simplistic "create your reality" mantra. This was a matter of seasoned timing, a deeper understanding. The challenge wasn't to learn how to walk the walk, but to finally own the walk. I already had the Gnosis, the direct experience, but I was hesitating on the threshold. Through the eyes of the Wizard, sixty-one years of forging a soul—through both trial and triumph—was staring back at me, demanding that I step up.
Despite the longing for the safety of the familiar, the call to pass through the portal into the next phase of my adventure was irresistible—impossible to ignore. I sincerely believe that once you are truly smitten with the desire for soul growth, nothing can stop it. Every step forward becomes a point of no return.
Wizard Words
And so, dear reader, even as I write these words, I am walking through that very portal. Every step is a deliberate challenge, and the feeling of metamorphosis resonates through my body. The Wizzan Oracle continues to light the path—the same Oracle I plan to share with those who feel the call of the Wizzan Temple.
In closing, I think it's only appropriate to leave you with the words of the Wizard from the Wizzan Oracle...
Oh Wizzan, the Wizard card stands before you as a luminous guide, awakening the ancient magician that slumbers within. It calls you to remember your birthright—the power to shape yourself and the world through the sacred triad of knowledge, will, and intention. You are no mere wanderer but an artisan of destiny, a weaver of reality’s unseen threads.
The Wizard bids you to seek the hidden tomes of wisdom, the sacred archives of old, where truths long veiled await your discovery. Through this pursuit, you will uncover the insights that illuminate your path and the tools to transform your life.
Like the trickster who unsettles the fixed and stale, you too hold the power to disrupt the patterns that no longer serve you. Each choice, each action, is your spell, rippling through time to craft the tapestry of your future. Acknowledge this: thou art the architect of your fate, your thoughts and deeds the chisels that sculpt your destiny.
Be not afraid to tread into uncharted realms and embrace perspectives foreign to your current understanding. These ventures are the crucible of growth, expanding your vision and sharpening your craft. The Wizard whispers also of your inner compass, your sacred intuition—trust its pull, for it points to the path ordained for you by the stars.
By awakening the inner magician, seeking the wisdom of ages, wielding your will with intent, claiming the power of choice, exploring the vast unknown, and heeding the voice of intuition, you will ascend as the master of your destiny. Step boldly, O Seeker, for the Wizard’s light illuminates your way to greatness.
—Zzenn
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